Somewhere over the Rainbow

Hello my friends and welcome!  How is everybody?!  Gouda I hope!  I am doing alright, besides the fact that I failed at my first attempt at a personal goal, which was writing weekly, but, like giving up any addiction, we don’t always get it on the first try, I know I definitely did not!  So, today is a new day!  Let’s make those personal goals happen captain! 🙂 

2 years ago, around this time, there were no shortages of bad decisions being made on my part.  I was also back to partaking in those powdered doughnuts if they made their way over.  And by doughnuts I mean cocaine.  The last time I did coke, I called in sick for a an entire week, I think, obviously I had been exposed to Covid.  That was the worst coke hangover I had ever had.  It was awful.  This was also about the time my family started worrying about my drinking more and more.  The ‘rents knew something was going on, and they had started calling in for reinforcements.  My dad’s sisters (who both lived near me at the time) started showing up unannounced and often, dumping my booze out, watching me rummage through the trash for leftover drops, searching under my bed for old beer bottles that may have a sip.  They were absolutely not on board with me heading to the liquor store for restock.  I begged once, for hours, it was 4am, and I was pleading with my aunts to let me go to one their houses and grab a bottle of wine, they said to me, Ashley, you’re not welcome at our homes right now.  My parents had changed the locks to their house as I soon wouldn’t be welcome there either.  No one trusted me and my drinking was the one and only issue.  I also had no intention of staying BAC free for much longer. 

Last year this time,  I had just been released from the hospital; my last impatient stay to date.  Thank ya baby Jesus!  Prior to being blessed with that oh-so-terrible stomach infection that won myself an unforeseen, 8 day hospital stay; I had just accepted a position as a health insurance agent.  I would be working remotely of course, I couldn’t risk random people seeing me just yet.  I was still slightly yellow and getting drained regularly.  Ewww!  But the important thing was I had a job, if I could pass my Health Insurance Exam, spoiler alert, I did!  Off to work I go.  Side-note, May 2021, I was told I would be collecting disability for the rest of my life. Having a job was a HUGE accomplishment for me.  After passing the big exam I still had a couple of weeks to kill before starting, as if I needed anymore time off work.  However, I did still have cirrhosis, and my doctor visits were on another level so, I had things to keep me busy.  Looking at my photo memories from this time last year I was on my way to my Aunt Julie’s to swim with some of my family.  These are the same aunts that had been called in for reinforcements the year prior.  The same aunts that picked me up off my floor, took me to the ER at ALL hours of the night, made sure I could shower without falling over, brushed my hair, dropped off groceries, did my laundry, the list goes on and on.  Looking back at all they did for me, and to be able to earn my families respect and trust back, that is a big reason why I continue to push myself to be better than alcoholic Ashley.

Today I went another day without alcohol, I am still amazed at how much progress my body and my mind have made over the past year.  One of the reasons I always drank was because it took away my anxiety, it eased that feeling rushing down your chest when you’re nervous or excited, it took away every worry I had and it quickly relaxed me.  What I didn’t realize, was that drinking consistently and regularly, escalates your anxiety and makes it worse, not better.  I was always feeling like shit, my head would be pounding, my mouth dry and tasting of last nights booze, sweaty then cold, anxious, never able to get comfortable, up and down from my desk, and the worst thing, I was always scared of choking on my food.  That was my biggest fear, literally not being able to swallow food, WTF is that.  That’s HANG-XIETY my friend, and I promise, you’re better without that annoying bitch.

Last weekend my parents came up to visit, we went to Garrozo’s, the OG spot in KC’s Italian, downtown neighborhood, wonderful food and service, not to mention their entrance way is covered with pictures of their many celebrity visitors, very cool spot.  We low key got lost, but did run into a rainbow, yes you read that right, we found a rainbow!  Saturday we strolled the river city farmers market, swam a bit, grabbed dinner in the Crossroads district, and finally finished the evening out admiring hot air balloons at KC’s annual festival.  Last year I couldn’t walk around the block.  Saturday alone I think I did at least 15,000 steps, and for once, I wasn’t worried about how I would walk the whole day, or climb a flight of stairs.  Friday night, walking around an old KC neighborhood with my parents and boyfriend, not worried about a drink in my hand or when I would get one, was such a gift, and I felt so calm.  I know our loved ones were watching down on us that night, they even made sure we had a rainbow to remember the evening by!  

Take care and stay strong my friends, hasta!