Happy August! We are in Q3, WTF happened to 2022?! I have been thinking and I have decided I need to set a goal for myself, because if you know me, I can get sidetracked and in a hurry -like mid-sentence – won’t even remember what my point was. Happens to the best of us, and it didn’t seem to happen until my 30’s. To all you younger ladies out there, if you all of a sudden forget how to spell Missouri, which I totally did on my 1st day at the NEW gig, it’ll probably be okay. Don’t request a CAT scan just yet. But, back to my first ever personal given goal, I want to write something every week, hopefully! Why? I want and need to start holding myself accountable for my own happiness and end goals . I also really enjoy experiencing, sharing, and comparing being one year booze free, (Oooh Ahhh!) summer of sickness, 2021, (BOO!) and the beginning of the end, 2020 (HISS!). IYKYK, I think that’s what the cool kids say! Also, If you guessed Mosley Street Melodrama, downtown Wichita, YK!
To begin today’s journey, we’re taking it back a bit further in time: 3 years ago, summer of 2019, excuse me what!? I was tossing back vodka shots and Colorado bulldogs for breakfast -only on the weekends though – and as I was fixing eggs and bacon so it’s cool, just kidding; unless you’re getting divorced, married, or it’s Christmas morning, maybe just have coffee, trust me, your liver will thank you. By Labor Day I was taking a trip to South Carolina with my then-boyfriend. I thought that trip was incredible, which it was, but I was drunk the entire time. Before heading to the airport with my ex’s dad and 90 year old grandpa, he and I were going shot for shot in the kitchen of his parents lake house. At about 8am, my ex’s cousin looked at us and said “damn, y’all are some alcoholics!” My ex always admitted to others as well as myself, “yeah, I’m an alcoholic.” I was completely in denial. Like somehow my mind and body were incapable of being harmed by alcohol. He got up every day. He was fine. I’d be fine too. That relationship, as you can probably guess, lasted about 6 months. We broke up by November. I also did not take that breakup well, at all. The great face plant of 2019 was a result of that breakup, why I always drank my way through literally everything I will never know. It escalates ALL of your feelings and then you have NO control over them. Checking your cell phone after a night of drunk dialing and arguing.. way worse than if you would have stayed booze free and eaten a pint of Ben and Jerry’s instead.
July/August 2020, I was drinking very regularly, it also felt completely normalized to be constantly intoxicated. It was the first summer of Covid, rules were different, and I’m not sure if you know this but one business that did not struggle? Your local liquor store! My then boyfriend (now current, actually, Richard) would call and see if I wanted to take a walk, chill without alcohol, you know, normal sober stuff. I was always flabbergasted, the only walking activities I liked to do were bar crawls. I don’t remember everything from that summer but what I do, was partying, and calling in sick to work, a lot. It was also the best time to do it. No one questioned you, if you said you were sick or had come in contact with someone with that very feared Vid, you’re staying home like snail mail, 7-10 business days. When I did work, more often than not, I would have to grab a 6 pack from the Stop-N-Shop around the corner before I could participate in my on-camera, zoom, morning meetings. The gas station attendant said one day, at about 6:30am, “you like the Redd’s Apple Ale right”? I was to the point of grabbing whatever looked like it was easiest to drink. I responded, um yeah. “Okay, we’ll be sure to order more.” I’d be diagnosed with stage 4 cirrhosis about 5-6 months later. Not part of the plan. But then again, neither was any of this.
As they say, it gets worse before it gets better, and it did. I was in and out of the hospital during that time frame, AMA’ing out once, (against medical advice) definitely ripped my IV out if I remember correctly; those first few ER visits feel like dreams. The ‘rents finally convinced me to check into rehab. Upon my arrival I was shown to my shared, you-need-to-keep-your-door-open, twin bed. I was not excited nor did it look like any rehab place I had seen on TV. After being given my first dose of meds to calm the nerves, I tried to just be, rest, and get through that first day. When that didn’t work, I walked around asking people what they were “in for”, like I was only there for observational purposes. After making no friends, feeling very uncomfortable, embarrassed, and just plain scared, I decided to sign myself out. I was there for about 3 hours. The staff tried like hell to get me to stay. I stuffed my belongings in my duffle and called an Uber. 2 stops please: liquor store then home. I want to mention that at this point, I still believed I was 100% healthy and had everything under control.
Summer of 2021 was a short year ago, but feels like a lifetime ago. Looking back at a photo of my memories this past Friday, I realized this time last year, I was in the hospital with an infection from my weekly paracentesis (draining of the fluid in your abdomen). I was in the hospital for 8 days, I think. I cried everyday in that room because even though I wasn’t drinking, I was dealing with all of my unapologetic decisions and I was forced to face my destiny, no matter what was in store for me. Yesterday the boyfriend and I visited the Nelson Atkins Art Museum, which is about 10 minutes from our apartment in Kansas City. We were there for about 3 hours and barely scratched the surface. We walked, read, admired, and talked about everything we were absorbing. We had a little date night to end the day off with a visit to CM Chicken for Korean fried chicken. Popeyes has nothing on this place, so good! Frozen yogurt stop, my weakness, and saw the new Brad Pitt film “Bullet Train”, super entertaining but you gotta pay attention, drunk me would not have known what the hell was going on! I did not see a day like yesterday, a gift in my eyes, happening to me ever again. Pure happiness and fun without one sip of alcohol, who knew it was possible?!
No matter what your vice is, and most of us have them, know what you’re doing to your body (if you choose to that is), know the risks, and moderation actually is important. If you can’t moderate, you might have to evaluate. I definitely still have vices, it just changed to cereal and blueberry pancakes over a box of wine for breakfast! I am so, so grateful, like my new fav, Kota the Friend, for my family and friends that stuck with me, I have said it before and I will say it again, love you and thank you. Happy Sunday y’all, till next time.