Hi, I’m Ashley & I’m an alcoholic…

Welcome, hi,  hello! I’m Ashley and this is my first post to WordPress! I originally started blogging on a different platform, BlogSpot, and recently decided to transition to WP.  If you would like to check out past blogs, the link can be found here https://brawleysbeautifulmess.blogspot.com/. If not, all Gucci!! I’m going to give ya’ll some cliffs notes!;)

Long story short, I have been drinking since I was about 14. Not a heavy drinker that whole time, but a drinker none the less. At 37 my drinking had definitely escalated from functioning to non-functioning, and I was diagnosed with stage 4 cirrhosis last February, 2021. The first thing they did was evaluate my MELD score, which was in the range of 22-ish. A normal person’s MELD score is 6 or below, and 40 is on the high side. This is how they determine your liver’s functionality, and who requires a transplant; if you can get one and can wait for one, that is. You might be wondering about now, how long did I know I had stage 4 cirrhosis, and still continued to drink? The answer, I didn’t even think cirrhosis COULD happen to me, and no, of course I wouldn’t drink if I knew I shouldn’t. I’m not an alcoholic. I was just drinking more than normal, life’s tough okay?! Side bar, if you’re drinking wine for breakfast out of a coffee cup, might be time for a tiny break. But what do I know!? My dog even knew I had a problem. Who was I kidding?! Ultimately, would having cirrhosis deter me from relapsing after my diagnosis? Definitely not.

Last summer while I was seriously sick, depressed and in a constant state of wonder, either from my couch or hospital bed, all I could think was, Why? Why would the world, God, whoever determines our destiny; why would they take the one thing I really loved, the one thing that made my day better and calmed my nerves. Why would they tell me I could no longer have it and if I chose to, I would die. Last May of 2021, after about a month long relapse, I finally made it back to the hospital, but my MELD score had increased from 22-32, and my mortality rate was now 3 months if I kept choosing wine-down Wendy. This month I celebrate a year alcohol-free and my MELD score is now at about an 8. An 8! Without a transplant I might add!! I am starting to think cirrhosis was God’s gift to me, and here’s why.

I recently watched “Flight”. The movie about a plane crash where Denzel Washington plays an alcoholic & drug addicted pilot who inverts a fuc*ing plane! With the boyfriend, as he had never seen it. It’s fantastic and John Goodman’s character is a whole vibe! Worth a watch for sure. But back to it, I hadn’t watched “Flight” since before I took my last drink in 2021. As we watched it, I notice that I had been watching that whole movie like Denzel, aka “Wit”, when he attends his first AA meeting in the film. I wasn’t watching it as an alcoholic, I was simply a spectator. When Denzel is at his first AA meeting and the AA speaker says, are there any other alcoholics/addicts in here? Denzel keeps his head and hand down. He isn’t ready to admit it yet, and if you aren’t ready to admit you have a problem, you can’t and most likely, won’t, stop doing the things that cause to be problematic in your life. In the end, if you haven’t seen it, Wit, can’t tell one more lie, he has reached his lifetime amount of lies, and he finally admits his problem and is ready to be “free.” There are so many examples in that movie that are relatable, but what really got me was one scene from the hospital with the co-pilot, the co-pilot’s wife, and Wit. The co-pilot came out of that same plane crash, except in a coma, and probably without the ability to ever walk again. The co-pilot tells Wit, face to face, that plane was pre-destined, doomed, however you want to phrase it,  but Wit was flying that plane for a reason. The crash wasn’t Wit’s fault because he was under the influence.  But being under the influence was something he needed to deal with.  If not for that crash who knows if he would have.  

For me, I quit being a “good” person when I drank, that wasn’t always the case. I started losing jobs, that had never been the case. I started having to hide my drinking, I never hid my drinking. All of these things aren’t who I was supposed to be as a person. Divine intervention, destiny, God, I don’t know how it happened but somebody said, she needs to pick alcohol or her life. I chose an alcohol-free life, after much resistance, and a lot of help from my family & friends, but I did.  My life is still a beautiful mess, but now, at least it’s my beautiful mess that I actually remember making last night!!! Stay tuned…https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eXV4WyQMHFM