How did we get to the middle of 2023, and I’ve only written to y’all once!? This year is going faster than the last, and yes I realize I sound like your grandpa when I say that! I’ve been dying to put my thoughts to paper but slinging insurance is a lot more time consuming than I had originally anticipated! In all seriousness, I do love it, and that is something like a breath of fresh air, to find something that you’re actually good at and enjoy, it feels like a gift. However, my new found love of writing has unfortunately been put on the back burner, sort of like my gym routine, but I have some time before my late night movie, so first thing’s first…let’s catch up! 🙂
Currently still living, working and enjoying life in my new home state of Missouri, never thought I would utter those words, kind of like, I’m retired from drinking; you just never really know where life will take you! That being said, when you give something up, either wanted or not, I feel as if you should, theoretically, gain something in return. That has to be how it works right? Giving up sugar, your body should feel more energized. You participate in Dry January, I guarantee your January will be hangover free. You quit drinking, you may just live a happier and healthier life, not to mention it’s great for your skin, and to shed some extra pounds!
Over the 4th, the boyfriend and I made our way to Lake Tahoe, and it was the most beautiful place I think I have ever been. Everything about it was breathtaking, from the crystal-clear water melting off of the snow-topped Sierra Nevada mountains, to the pine trees lining the coast, and the lake houses… gorgeous! Not to mention the pine cones that were as big as my head, literally! The weather was perfect, 85 in the sun, 20 degrees cooler in the shade. It was just breathtaking, I really don’t know how else to explain it. One thing I realized very quickly however, this trip 3 years ago, would have been nearly impossible to manage, especially if I were still managing my drinking career. Whoever put me in charge of that was out of their mind. You have to hike most everywhere, there isn’t exactly a ski lift for summer activities, yet it’s so worth it, believe me. Emerald Bay was amazing and you can’t drive to it, you park and hike to it, but it’s like a dream. On the 4th of July most of the beaches seemed to have a strict no-booze policy, I’m sure you could get creative. I used to carry my own booze everywhere, I can tell you, where there’s a will there is a way, I promise. On the contrary, those two disclosures right there, hiking and no booze, would have turned me off to this destination so fast 5 years ago, I would have never been able to experience it.
Giving up my precious wine allowed me to find the natural waterfalls at Fallen Leaf Lake, I kayaked for the first time ever, witnessed bears walking through the small towns of North Tahoe; do you think I ever thought I’d see a bear playing in it’s wild state!? If you know me, you know that answer is probably no, just gonna throw that out there. On the other hand, since giving up booze, very reluctantly I might add, I have gained a whole new perspective and appreciation for the beauty of life. I want people to know there is life after addiction, there is so much beauty to witness, and experiences to share, you don’t have to miss it.
In the past 4 months, approximately, I have lost at least as many friends as I have fingers on one hand. Three were my age, which to be transparent is 39, two were slightly older, but none the less entirely too young to lose their life to an alcohol related death. Every one of them left family and friends behind that did not want to see them go, people that didn’t get to say their goodbyes, lives that will be forever changed without them in it. It makes me sad and angry, it makes me want to shake them and say, please don’t give up, keep taking it day by day, it gets better! Truth is, you don’t always know someone’s inner struggles or demons, it’s a lonely place. I want to attempt to shed some light and hope to the fact that an alcohol-free life is worth it, and possible. If you can’t moderate your drinking, or you’re sick and tired of being sick and tired, it gets better. If you’re in deep and you need detox to help you stop, because quitting alcohol cold turkey can kill you, please call someone, ask for help. It’s okay to ask for help. Please don’t give up before the people that love you get to see your light again, you can’t always get it back.
Before I got sick, I lived for the next drink, I couldn’t function without it, I couldn’t eat without it, I couldn’t sleep without it. The thought of alcohol consumed me, and that was the worst feeling I have ever known. Seeing others now, losing their lives to the same battle I was fighting, and still do on a daily basis, is hard and extremely sad. My battle is knowing my fate, if I decide to drink, I’ll die; no if’s, and’s, or butts about it. In turn not picking up that drink is a little easier, but it’s still a conscious decision that I have to make every day. It makes me wonder why me? Why did I make that decision in February of 2021 to quit drinking, well I know why, I had become the definition of a “hot mess” and could no longer pretend to be a “functioning alcoholic”. My life was QUICKLY spiraling out of control, and my mind was spiraling even faster. The honest truth is, I would have been another soul that would have been lost if I didn’t make that choice to give my body a break. They say you can’t miss something until it’s gone, so why not give your body a chance to miss something. If you can’t function without it, and believe me you’ll know, be honest with yourself and break those chains, it’s a beautiful thing.
I believe I’m here for a reason, and that reason might be to put my pride aside and tell my story. So that’s what I intend on doing. No part of me thinks I am better than someone who does choose to enjoy a drink, or 3, because if I could drink responsibly I would, or I should say, I would have. I can’t explain to you how slippery the slope into complete dependence on something is. I hope most of you will never know. It happens so quick, with no warning, and normally people do not want or aspire to being an alcoholic or an addict. For me, I was ashamed, like I had done something wrong, like I was defective, or something was “wrong” with me. Believe me, there is nothing wrong with you, you will have a life again without alcohol, without the constant hangovers, constant regret, and missing credit cards in the morning. And most importantly, you’ll be here…I promise, that’s enough.
Rest in peace my friends, I know y’all are watching down on us from above, and we’ll see you on the other side.
As always thanks for the love and support, it means more than you all know, until next time!