What happens when you really don’t know where your life will go. What do you do? Where do you start? With a savings account for one. But why wasn’t I worried before? When did this type of worry start? What should I start doing now, to be prepared for my “older” years? Which apparently is going to be next week, the way life moves. Sheesh! Lately I have been thinking a lot about what I want out of life, and how I will achieve it. But to be honest, I don’t know…and also, who does!? I could use some answers.
What I do know is, I’m single in city; the boyfriend and I broke up last July. It’s been 2 full years since I took a drink of anything booze related, and I’m still slinging insurance. Which I very much enjoy…most days of course! 🙂
Is this what my life was destined to be at 40…correction, 39, approaching 40 in 19 days. Let the countdown begin! Single, once divorced, 2 houses sold, no dependents, unless Uncle Sam starts allowing us to claim furry ones, countless drunken nights, too many mistakes to remember, and so much dumb shit later, here we are…40. At least I am able to pay my bills, do what I want with the money I make, at the job I enjoy, to that part of 40, bring it on!
Honestly, I must say, 40 this way, is starting to feel very refreshing. Even though you get questions like, why are you single? Don’t you want kids? You don’t drink? What about just wine!? I mean who would have thought I was yellow and full of fluid 3 years ago, so I get it. People also don’t think booze is that bad, but when it’s bad, it’s as bad as the boy you wanted in high school. On the contrary, not everybody liked the bad boy, so not everyone that drinks, is an alcoholic. Wine is also booze and will treat you exactly as vodka or beer does. I haven’t met the person I want to spend my life with, and I am okay with waiting, I don’t want to settle. I also may have met him 15 years ago, when I was slightly inebriated, who knows. Do I like kids, yes, if I had kids, I would be very happy, if I didn’t, I wouldn’t spend my life regretting it, or would I? I will never know the path not taken. That brings us to the next question, do I want to have a baby post 40, probably not, will it happen, not really planning on it, but I also never planned for cirrhosis, so you never really know, hell even if you do plan, life has a way of just happening. As for the drink thing, it surprises me too, I figured I would have been retired on a beach, peach margarita in hand, like Jack Nicholson in “Something’s Gotta Give”. I guess a non-alcoholic peach margarita will have to do, because I guarantee I am not giving up that beach.
2024 feels to me, like 2019 felt as we were going into 2020, I was so hopeful, and excited for a fresh start. I was also on a constant chase for boxed wine and an adequate state of properly boozed up. The world had also shut down, I never saw that coming. Which led to constant booze and never enough, the sneaking, the insomnia, the sickness. If you know you know, and it’s hard to overcome. If you have, or are trying, I am proud of you, and keep going. It gets better! Coming into my 3rd year, without booze, feels like a blessing. It doesn’t even feel like a restriction anymore, it just feels like freedom. In the past 6 months, I’ve been to Mexico, a Chiefs game, holiday gatherings, concerts, girl’s nights, dates, and one NYE celebration, to name a few, all without booze. If someone would have told me in January 2021, that in 3 years, I would be sitting here telling you all how happy I am without booze, I would have never believed you. But here we are, and for the most part, I am happy. A bit lost at times, sometimes it feels like I am not where I should be, in life, I think that is normal though. Maybe it’s my not wanting to conform to the norm, even though I am pretty normal. In my opinion, which shouldn’t matter because it’s strongly biased, who gets to decide what “normal” is. Maybe it’s the wanderer in me, maybe it’s my need to rebel, who knows. What I have figured out is that life usually works out as it should and takes you where it wants you to go. Cat Stevens said it best, only God really knows.
Cheers my friends!